I just needed time...

I know it has been a long time since I've written a blog post.  Almost 6 months actually.  The truth is--the last post I wrote was June 29, 2011 and my beloved Papa died 6 days later. 

I didn't want to write.

I didn't want to feel anything.

I'm still not sure I want to now but I felt compelled to say something...anything...because I am just so grateful to be who I am and where I am.

I miss my Papa dearly.  A wise friend told me not so long ago that I haven't let myself have time to grieve him and she's right. I haven't--not yet.  I will this summer.  I will allow myself to feel the pain of his loss and the gratitude that I am positive that he's in Heaven.

I keep a picture of my Papa in my classroom and I have had several students ask me who he is.  I relish those opportunities because I get to start a sentence with..."Let me tell you about my Papa..."  They might get the feeling that he is not a part of my daily life but in actuality he is.

I think of him every day but especially when I run.  As my feet pound the pavement (or treadmill) and my thighs burn and I feel like I may lose my breath I think of him and remember that I GET to do this.  That is my mantra--how lucky am I? I GET to do this.  He was to the point that he couldn't get up at all and yet God gave me these two legs that can propel me as far as I want.  I owe it to myself and my Papa to literally take that gift and......run.

If I could turn back time...

I’m actually singing that Cher song in my head, as terrible as it is.

My little sister Laura got engaged this past weekend.  Yay! Cause for celebration! Whooohooo!  Seriously—I am truly happy that she and David are going to tie the knot. He’s a wonderful guy and he’s so good for her and to her.  I’m always thrilled when I get another brother from another mother.

But…

It really got me thinking that time is just moving too stinkin fast.  We’re all growing up, getting married, moving, figuring out that IKEA is SO cool and getting dogs.  Eventually we’ll all have kids and husbands and be living 4 hours apart in different directions.  There is a part of me that just can’t bear that thought. A part of me that is terrified that we won't have our chaotic, random game nights, or be able to meet for every single birthday.

If you know me—REALLY know me, you know that my sisters are my heart.  I am not complete without them. Period.  We may fuss and fight sometimes.  We may be a little too laissez faire with our opinions and assessments of each other but at the end of the day I cannot live without them.  I would be lost.

A piece of me wants to rewind about 16 years.  I would be 13, Meredith would be 9, Laura would be 7 and Kathryn would be 5.

 I want to go back to the days where we stayed home with each other all summer playing with bubbles, fighting about who’s turn it was to vacuum and dust and clean the bathroom and do the dishes, etc, and figuring out who’s arm was long enough and skinny enough to get into “The Box.” (My Mom had a box with a padlock on it because having 4 girls at home all day could put a hurtin on a Sam’s Club sized box of NutriGrain bars.) I want to jump on the trampoline, climb into our tree house, and watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the 1 millionth time.

Sometimes I want to go back to the days when the “Original 6” (as my Husband and Brother-In-Law refer to my family) sat around the kitchen table and talked about our day or created rules about singing or farting at the dinner table,  piled into the Volvo station wagon for a trip to Bergey's, or went on a family vacation where Dad would always say that he knew where he was going and then we would inevitably end up on an “adventure.” (Aka: we got lost or in some other slightly life threatening situation--Note: We never died. Obviously.)

I wish I could go back so that I would have a chance to get sufficiently excited when Meredith started to write her first novel, or when Laura lost her first tooth, or when Kathryn ran cross country. 

Sometimes I feel like I just didn’t cherish those moments like I should have.  I was too wrapped up in myself and my teenage angst to notice that all of those little moments were the things that make up life. My life.

That’s why I don’t miss anything now.  I’m paying attention.  I’m PRESENT when Laura is moving out or stressed out because Anatomy is a horrible beast that must be conquered, I’m OVERJOYED when Meredith gets the job she deserves or perfects a recipe for Butternut Squash soup (even if I don’t eat it Mere—I’m happy for you), and I am PROUD when Kathryn gets straight A’s or insists on her independence by taking my old coffeemaker and buying her own tables from IKEA in preparation for her new apartment.

Life is too short to miss the good stuff.

I hold out blind hope that one day life will actually listen to me and...Slow.The.Heck.Down.

My life in a song...or 21

I finished an awesome book a couple of weeks ago called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult. The book explores several topics: gay rights, evangelical Christianity, infertility, but most of all the concept of love.  In the book one of the characters mentions that before she can commit to someone she has to ask them one question.  “What songs would be on a mix tape that describes you?”  This is fitting because she is a music therapist but it really got me thinking…what songs would be on a mix tape that describes me? And, what does it mean when people don’t know ANY of the songs on your mix tape?  She was looking for a connection, a point of commonality where she could find something in someone else that she recognized.  What a powerful concept.

So of course…I had to create my own list.  The funny thing is that since I created it I keep hearing songs that I’ve forgotten about but KNOW in my core that they belong on that list.  Some of them ring true to my soul because of the melody, some because of a single line, and others because they have played an important role in my life at one point or another. I think it is finally complete. (Who am I kidding? I’ll keep adding until the day I die.)

I wish I could just sit down with anyone who cares and go through this playlist and explain each song but I doubt anyone has the time for that—not to mention they probably lack an intense desire to understand the inner-workings of my  mind.  Sometimes I think I have an oddly intense desire for people to know where I’m coming from and to understand not only what I think but WHY I think it.  I guess this list in some way accomplishes that for me.

My hope is that if someone were to listen to all of this music that they would feel like they have just had a long conversation with the real me.  I wish this because I often feel like I can never say what I really MEAN to say—but these songs can.

I’ve linked all of them so you can listen to snippets if you are so inclined.

1. Everlast: What It's Like

2. The Four Tops: Can't Help Myself

3. Lisa Loeb: How

4. Aaron Copland: Appalachian Spring—Simple Gifts

5. Sevendust: Seasons
6. Nickel Creek: When You Come Back Down (or as the four Speas girls like to call it,  The Sister Song)

7. House of Pain: Jump Around

8. Jay-Z: Dirt off your shoulder

9: New Radicals: You Get What You Give

10. Dixie Chicks: Wide Open Spaces

11. Counting Crows: Colorblind

12. Fiona Apple: Sleep To Dream

13. Ben Folds Five: Kate

14. Staind: Tangled Up In You

15. Sugarland: Settlin’

16. Sister Hazel: Your Winter

17. Mae: Anything

18. Goo Goo Dolls: Slide

19. John Mayer: Bigger Than My Body

20. Tantric: Breakdown

21. Jack Johnson: Bubbletoes

Reasons Why

I decided to create a blog for one reason.  I have all of these deep, intricate, incredibly awesome thoughts and questions that just pop in my head at any given time and I think "Wow. That is so cool. I should write about that."  Nevermind that sometimes my thoughts are as mundane is noticing a new freckle or the way the sunlight comes through a window. 

Inevitably if I don't write about them I lose them so I decided that I don't want to lose them anymore.  So, Lost & Found was born. :)

I plan on writing about whatever comes to mind but I do have one rule for myself.  I will always try to write about positive things or if I can't write about something positive then I will find a way to be positive about it. Period. So if you catch me whining...say something!

I am a firm believer in the idea of getting back from the world what you put out into it.  I will not allow my blog to add more discontent or sadness to the world because as I figure it, I'll just get it back.  Who wants that?

Not me.